My husband and I lie on our bed and stare at each other for a long time after making love. That's one of my most favorite moments in the whole "sexperience": that moment after the climax that causes us to become absolutely satisfied and incredibly relaxed. We just stay still and hold each other, and feel our heartbeats slow down.
Sometimes we fall into the sweetest sleep, naked in each other's arms. Other times, we dive into the deepest, most honest conversations and express our love and appreciation for each other. I particularly love the latter. One time, after a long period of peaceful silence, I asked, curious as always, "What are you thinking?" I'll never forget what he said. He smiled at me and without blinking an eye, replied "I am so happy we waited." Those words ring more and more true to me every day.
I really did feel like a hero—actually, even more so when my experience was zero. Anyone can have sex. But to wait for the right time? It's seriously hard! The constant denial of the desire, the teamwork it took to push each other to stay committed in remaining pure, the discipline, self-control, and integrity we had to uphold—I can honestly say, by the time we met in the aisle, we were completely different people. We had built a set of values, a singular mindset, and a lifestyle of honoring and respecting each other above ourselves and staying true to our word. Call me old-fashioned but it is these values that make pure marital sex unlike any sex out there, I believe. There is nothing like giving your body to your spouse without any hint of fear or doubt because you know your future's secure and you've proven your faithfulness to each other.
People often asked, "How will you enjoy sex if you never practiced? How will you know if you're even sexually compatible?" That always made me laugh. I believe the greatest preparation and foundation for the most pleasurable marital sex is not experimentation and experience but of building a solid trust and commitment with each other and maturing together to the point of being selfless. Mark my words: It really takes two selfless people to have the most fulfilling and satisfying sex life.
We may have only begun, but already we've experienced things couples who've been having sex for years have only fantasized about. And I truly believe it's a result of the principles we learned while we waited. Waiting doesn't have to make you feel deprived of sex. In fact, it actually prepares you for the best kind of sex there is.
1. Good sex takes humility.
One of the most shocking things I learned about sex prior to having sex is that it's not an instinct you just follow; it's a skill to be learned. You may be extremely horny but that doesn't in any way mean you know how to deliver. Let's face the facts. One in three women have never even experienced an orgasm in their marriage. A much greater percentage of women don't get to experience it often or all the time.
My husband and I didn't panic about that figure since we took the liberty of reading books before our wedding night to learn the common mistakes couples make and the right way to make love. Orgasms don't just happen; it's not just about the hormones. You prepare for it. The better informed you are, the better you'll be in bed.
Unfortunately, men overestimate their ability to satisfy their wives, and wives are sometimes too nice to tell the truth or ignorant of it. Learn about clitoral stimulation, the science behind orgasms. I read The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye.
Also, learn to communicate openly about whether or not you feel good so that your partner can adjust to you. It's actually rather exciting to learn different ways to pleasure each other and to guide your partner through them instead of assuming you both know what you're doing based on your pride or instinct. You must be interested in being better in bed for your spouse. Challenge yourself.
2. Sex needs patience.
Guys can do without the foreplay because they're literally a lot more straightforward than us females and inherently more immediately stimulated enough to have intercourse without warming up. But for the ladies, foreplay is equally important as the actual sex because it usually won't be as great without the sexy music, dim lighting, and scented candles. Men, don't rush through the foreplay.
On our wedding night we took it slow and I told him how deep he could go depending on how much pain I could take. Little by little I let him go deeper. There was little blood, about half a teaspoon.
If sex turns out to be quite disappointing, BE PATIENT. Try and try again, always with love and tenderness. It gets better if you apply the things you read. Always take your time to enjoy each other and not rush through the process. I promise both partners will experience better sex.
3. Sex requires self-control and selflessness.
One of the worst things that can happen in sex is when he ejaculates too soon. I appreciate how my husband would ask me if I'm coming when he feels like he's about to. He's really made it a habit to check up on me. While it's easy to get lost in the moment and let lose, he's never forgotten or left me behind. Whenever I say not yet, he adjusts by taking a moment to pause to control his urges. When I say he can come cause I'm about to, he allows himself to release and we orgasm together. This is what I mean when I said it takes two selfless people to enjoy sex fully. Your focus cannot be only to be pleasured but to satisfy your partner and your partner in turn should make it his goal to satisfy you. Some people are more in it for themselves than they are for the other person. That's when one party is usually left unfulfilled. The best sex happens when a person is focused on fulfilling his partner's needs before his. It's a team effort.
4. Sex thrives in an affectionate environment.
Someone once told me that if sex is the event, affection is the environment. Sex may be a one time big time thing for a guy but to a woman, it is holistic. Everything should come full circle. I happen to be blessed by a very affectionate husband who loves to hold my hand, caress my hair, and hugs me from behind several times throughout the day. Those light touches and words of affirmation culminate in the bedroom at night.
Your sex life is linked to all aspects of your marriage, and likewise your sex life affects your entire marriage. Husbands and wives should be loving to one another, and sex is one of the ways to express that love. And I learned that in marriage, you are meant to be pursued: No one should be able to just make you come; you must continuously be valued by your husband.