"Cosmo Labs" is a series in which writers and sexperts try out the wackiest old Cosmopolitan sex tips and re-review them for you.
This week's possibly treacherous recreation of a vintage Cosmo sex tip comes courtesy of an article titled "Cosmo's 20 Favorite Sex Tips Ever" (2002).
The Tip: I tried something called the Sultry Slo-Mo. The tip reads:
To surprise him and build anticipation, try doing the same things you always do in the bedroom, but slow down to one-fourth of your normal speed. You and your guy will have time to really bond, and since you'll be feeling sensation over a longer period of time, both your orgasms will likely be out of this world. —Barbara Keesling, author of A Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex
The Prep: Calming the fuck down. Difficulty level varies according to how much coffee you've had and your general tweakedness.
The Music: A slowcore mix (but of course) courtesy of some stranger/inadvertent-provider-of-fucking-music on YouTube.
The Prep, Part 2: It is really, really hard to get in the proper state of mind for this, especially if you've just read a particularly mean stream of troll comments on the Internet. I may have done this, which, I can now say is not at all good foreplay, and instead of doing anything even remotely seductive pre-Sultry SloMo, ended up griping while sort of aggressively putting lotion on my legs while N. watched in bed with alarm.
Between the troll rage, an unwanted business call, and the stranger's slowcore mix kicking off with a ridiculously mood-shattering weird-ass robot voice song, it was all looking pretty bleak. But...
The Act: The song finally ended, robot voice went away and the slowness finally sunk in. Everything got a druggy, otherworldly feel and seemed both more dreamy and vivid at the same time. Kind of like semi-drunken sex but with more awareness and a way more suitable partner. The slowness sort of magically forces you to focus deeply on what's happening, which puts you firmly in the now, which according to Eckhart Tolle is the key to life so, you know, bonus.
Pro Tip: Don't slow your dirty talk down too much. There is a continuum between lowering your voice to a sexy timbre and slowing it so much you sound like there's something wrong in your brain hole. Be on the better end of the spectrum.â€‹
The Verdict: Yes. Slow is totally sexy. But: Make sure you can calm the hell down, prescreen your music and, by all means, tell your partner about the slow thing beforehand so he/she gets that you're being sexy and not just having a stroke or something. (Also maybe don't tell jokes about strokes until after the sex. Or, possibly, ever.)
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.