Of all the weird things that have happened in 2019, Miley Cyrus and Cody Simpson's relationship might be the weirdest. Like, it's cute! They're sweet! But also this whole thing came outta nowhere and went from zero to 100 in five minutes. To the point where we're literally out here putting together a relationship timeline just to keep track of it all. Honestly, how else are we going to remember when, exactly, Miley Cyrus photographed herself with her hand down Cody's pants? Or, also important, when his rhyming alter-ego PRINCE NEPTUNE wrote a sex poem in her honor?!
Anyway, please carve out some time in your schedule for a quick desk-side nap, because this sh*t is exhausting.
February 21, 2012
Cody does a video interview with Fuse, and reveals that Miley is his celebrity crush:
"Miley Cyrus has always been my childhood celebrity crush," he says. "I knew all the words to her songs, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not ashamed about it at all. I was a big Miley Cyrus fan and I think she will be forever the most dateable Disney star."
December 7, 2015
Cody tells GQ Australia that he and Miley are BFF, saying "Miley is one of my best friends and she helps with some of that transitional stuff—trying to escape your childhood. She's super open-minded and I'm working on becoming more like that."
Like, sure. Okay.
September 21, 2019
Miley breaks off her short-lived relationship with The Hills star Kaitlynn Carter, who she dated immediately after splitting from Liam Hemsworth in August. People confirms the news, with a source saying, "Miley and Kaitlyn broke up. They're still friends. They've been friends forever and were there for each other when they were both getting separated, but they're just not in a romantic relationship anymore."
October 3, 2019
In news literally not one single person could have seen coming, Miley is spotted kissing Cody Simpson at some random place called Backyard Bowls eatery.
October 5, 2019
Miley hits Instagram to confirm that she's dating Cody with THIS:
Then she reposts the video of herself and Cody kissing, writing, "Can a girl not get a f*cking acai bowl and morning make-out session in peace?!?! Lol sneaky ass."
Clearly she's having fun with the whole thing, but then takes a more serious note in this message to fans:
1. I know the public feels invested in my past relationship because they felt like they saw it thru from the beginning....I think that's why people have always felt so entitled over my life and how I live it because they've watched me grow up...but I am grown now and make choices as an adult knowing the truth/details/reality. People only 'know' what they see on the internet.
2. Men (especially successful ones) are RARELY slut-shamed. They move on from one beautiful young woman to the next MOST times without consequence. They are usually referred to as 'legends,' 'heartthrobs,' 'G,' 'Ladies' Man,' etc….where women are called sluts/whores! I am trying to just THRIVE/survive in a 'man's' world....If we can't beat 'em, join 'em! If our president can 'grab 'em by the pussy'...can't I just have a kiss and an acai bowl?!?!”
3. I refuse to recluse and 'date' from home 'cause A. That’s not fun B. Extremely uncomfortable/puts me in a vulnerable position....I would like to share an activity with someone I am dating and not be stuck at home with pretty much nothing to do but 'Netflix and chill.'
4. This 'dating' thing is new to me too. I've never been an 'adult'/grown-ass woman experiencing this....I was in a committed relationship for almost all my teens and early 20s, with the exception of a few breaks, which usually in those times I was working my ass off with not much R&R...and 'meeting/trusting' people in my position is really tuff. Don't f*cking pity me, that's not what I'm asking for. I have a great life I wouldn't trade for 'privacy' but PLEASE don't make this awkward for me! I am trying to make light and like always MAKE FUN of myself/and the public's perception of me! Get used to me dating—this is where I'm at! #HotGirlFall.”
October 6, 2019
Cody hits Instagram Stories and fully calls Miley his "baby:"
So naturally she trolls him:
October 7, 2019
Cody takes to his poetry Instagram, Prince Neptune, and writes a sexy love poem that fans assume is about Miley. And yes, the term "making love" is used, so sorry to your eyeballs.
October 12, 2019
Cody's sister Alli loses all her chill and reportedly dishes to the Daily Mail saying, "it seems like they're very happy and very in love [...] It's very new, but they have history and they're posting about each other a lot...Miley is posting a lot [on social media] and so is Cody, so it seems serious."
October 13, 2019
"I'm very happy. We are very, very happy. She's creative. She's very passionate about what she does, and I'm very similar in that sense. That's why we get along so well. We just have a ball, yeah, and that's the most important part of a relationship, you know? The reason why it hasn't been a really crazy sudden thing is just because we've been friends for so long....[We] found each other again in a space where we're both not partying, working real hard, and it just keeps things healthy and it's good."
He also implies that Miley is, in fact, his girlfriend, saying, "Any girlfriends I've had in the past has always been immediate romance and so it's a different experience having been friends with somebody before and it developing naturally into something more."
October 14, 2019
Miley gets called out for using the exact same Instagram filter on pics of Cody as she did on pics of Liam and Kaitlynn. And yep, she responds:
October 14, 2019, again
Miley and Cody touch tongues (ew, a thousand apologies for the mental image) while wearing Joker mask filters in a video that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Or at the very least, the rest of this day.
October 16, 2019
Cody implies that he's already moved in with Miley, taking it to Instagram to tell his followers that it's "move-in day." Naturally, people speculate (as a reminder they've been together, like, 14 days at this point).
October 17, 2019
Miley and Cody get tattoos together. Which honestly whatevs, Miley's constantly getting tatted, so!
October 18, 2019
Between PDA sessions that have forever blinded me, Cody drops an entire freakin' song about Miley called "Golden Thing." And yes, the single art is literally a picture of her.
October 21, 2019
Miley posts a 'gram with her hand down Cody's pants and no one can deal, least of all what remains of my vision:
October 21, 2019, again
Miley and Cody go live on Instagram and in-between a total love fest Miley manages to say some pretty problematic things.
"There are good men out there guys, don't give up," she says. "You don't have to be gay. There are good people with dicks out there, you just gotta find them. You gotta find a dick that's not a dick, you know what I mean?"
No, no one knows what you mean, Miley! Anyway, she later apologizes, saying, "I was talking shit about sucky guys, but let me be clear: YOU don't CHOOSE your sexuality. You are born as you are. It has always been my priority to protect the LGBTQ community I am a part of. Happy Monday!"
October 22, 2019
Lindsay Lohan inexplicably weighs in on this whole thing, Instagramming—and—deleting a very shady post about Cody's life choices.
October 22, 2019, again
Miley debuts a new ring with Cody's initials. If you're looking for chill, there is none to be found!!!!
That's all for now, but considering this less-than-a-month-long relationship timeline is longer than that of couples who have been together for 10 years, expect us to be updating things regularly.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.