10 Things Guys Secretly Hate About Woman-On-Top Sex

Your. Hair. Gets. Everywhere.
PHOTO: Chris Clinton

This is a beautiful sex position. It’s got something for everyone. And yet, as with anything else, it has its share of problems. If he ever seems less-than-enthused about you getting on top, these reasons might be why.

1. You can smash up his dick. 

As far as sex positions go, this one is relatively dangerous. Don’t laugh. I said “relatively.” If he’s going to get his dick broken during sex, it’ll happen when you’re blissfully bouncing away, and it pops out and you slam down on it. It happens. Not often, but it happens. Enough that somewhere, in the back of his mind, it’s freaking him out a little bit.

2. Your hair is going to get in his mouth. 

If you’ve got long hair, it’s going to hang in front of your face and get all in his mouth during sex. Finding a hair in your mouth can ruin a meal… imagine how it can ruin sex. Even if he isn’t spending his time eating your hair, there’s a very good chance it’s tickling his face and getting in his eyes. For the love of all that is holy, please bring a hair tie, because we sound like ungrateful jerks if we bring this up.

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3. He’s in a very vulnerable position if you decided you wanted to murder him.

He’s on his back. You’ve got your full weight on him. You could pin his hands down. What if you hid a knife behind the headboard? Alright, this isn’t anything that anyone really thinks about. But still, it could happen.

4. It’s hot.

Yeah, sure, it’s hot...but it’s also stifling. You’re on top, he’s all sweaty. It can’t be a good look for him.

5. He doesn’t have a view of your butt.

This is truly an impossible dilemma. If he has a view of your front, he can’t appreciate your back, and vice-versa. It’s a shame, but one easily remedied with a mirror. Or turning your bedroom into a giant mirror cube.

6. You’re digging your elbow into his chest.

Sometimes, for leverage, you’re pushing your hands into his chest like you’re giving him sexy CPR. Or your elbow is wedged firmly into his ribcage. It’s… not ideal. It hurts, and there are not enough sex-endorphins in the world to mask the pain of bony elbow in soft smooshy chest.

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7. It can be tough to get the rhythm down.

If you’re on top, you’re (probably) the one in charge. Maybe he’s used to setting the pace and trying to thrust up. Maybe you're trying to get your hips going at the same time, and you're just crashing into each other. Whatever the reason, sometimes this position just doesn’t click.

8. You just want to grind.

The clitoris is not five inches deep into your vagina. As such, you're often going to want to grind against your partner in this position, and we hear that feels pretty fucking good. That’s great! But it probably won’t get the job done for him, since the the standard in-and-out sensation feels better for most dudes. It feels good, but it isn’t actually doing anything. It’s like the airplane crash position of sex.

9. Cleanup is the worst… for him at least. 

You’re going to get off of him and it’s pretty much a guarantee he’s going to get some fluids on his stomach and in his belly button. I repeat: his belly button. So...

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10. This position is ripe for brain trauma.

If you’re very enthusiastic in bed, it’s entirely possible you’ll be riding him and slamming his head into the headboard. It might be a good idea to do a post-sex concussion check just in case.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.

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