You're a kind, forgiving person who wouldn't wish anything bad upon another human being—except for maybe your Garbage Ex. The person who broke your heart so completely by being such a thorough jerk that you can't help but think, I hope they step on that, every time you see a pile of dog poo on the sidewalk. Not that you'd ever admitthat to anyone though.
1. "I wish them all the best, but if their next haircut is completely tragic, it's because they deserve it."
Hope your ex enjoys one to two weeks of wearing a hat and pretending that's just an aesthetic choice.
2. "They'll realize how great I was as soon as they start dating someone else."
How many times did you sit through their sloppy, acoustic rendition of "Your Body Is a Wonderland" without rolling your eyes because they were practicing! Their! Art! Literally no one else will be so patient. You treated them well and they just didn't realize it.
3. "I hope they accidentally send a mild sext to their boss by mistake."
Like, you don't hope they get fired but you don't not hope they get fired either.
4. "Not that I want anything terrible to happen, because I'm so at peace with myself, but if they drop their phone in a toilet, that'd be cool."
Like, odds are it's going to happen soon enough because phones are always falling in toilets but ideally, it'll happen to your ex any day now.
5. "I hope next time they're at a crowded bar, it takes at least 15 minutes for a bartender to notice them and take their order."
Just like you kept waiting for them to finally be un-shitty, they'll be kept waiting for that whiskey soda they just can't seem to get their hands on.
6. *Posts incredibly hot selfie on Instagram.*
The primary reason you should never block someone you dated on Instagram is because then they don't get periodic reminders of how hot you are and how they'll literally never be loved by someone like you again (probably) (maybe) (who knows!).
7. "I hope their mom ignores their next 18 text messages."
Does anything feel worse than when your mom won't text you back? I mean, aside from how your ex broke your heart into tiny little pieces and crushed them on the floor?
8. "I hope that thing happens to the TV where they press one wrong button on the remote, the whole TV goes staticky, and they can't fix it for at least a whole day."
A truly masterful curse and one your terrible ex completely deserves.
9. *Reports 18 to 20 of their most recent Instagram posts for literally no reason.*
What? It's offensive to you that you have to see their stupid face on your feed. That's deserving of being reported and shut down.
10. "I don't need to enact any revenge—karma will find them."
Oh, so your garbage ex thought they could just get away with cheating on you with someone else via Snapchat sexting? The universe, in an act of balance, will strike back and the same thing will happen to them. You just know it.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.