Do you ever feel upset whenever your partner casually tells a story about their ex or mentions something they did with someone else in the past? In basic dating lingo, that's usually called being selosa, but it turns out there's a more specific term for it: Retroactive jealousy.
The "selos" most people know of occurs when someone or something else is perceived as a threat to your relationship. Cases in point: your partner's flirty officemate or a demanding job that eats away at your supposed time together—factors that can be amended and managed to some extent.
Retroactive jealousy, on the other hand, is when you continue to feel threatened by your partner's previous relationships, dating or sexual history, and past experiences, sometimes to the point where it feels as if such things could still jeopardize your relationship. This type of jealousy often leads to seeking more details about their past and a heightened need for affirmation and reassurance from your partner.
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Retroactive jealousy is more than just "selos."
Perhaps couples will find retroactive jealousy manageable in small doses, but in its most severe form, some studies and online forums have actually classified it as a form of mental health problem. That means it shouldn't be easily dismissed or taken lightly.
A 2017 systematic review of 230 studies on the concept of romantic jealousy suggested that such feelings can stem from the fact that a person might also be dealing with insecurity, low self-esteem, and past incidents of infidelity, among others. The point: The emotions eating at you might have more to do with your own experiences than what your partner did before you even started dating.
In an interview with PsycheCentral.com, American licensed mental health counselor Monica Miner also cited the common behaviors of someone going through retroactive jealousy. This includes looking up your partner's exes online, going over your partner's private property (phone, laptop, old photos, etc.), frequently comparing yourself to their exes, and imagining scenarios wherein your partner would choose their ex over you.
She added: "Feeling jealous about your partner's past is a common experience for many people. When jealousy is intense, it can make you feel like you are losing control of your emotions and you may even act out in destructive ways."
When left unresolved, bouts of retroactive jealousy can ultimately create lingering tension in an otherwise stable relationship. Moreover, moving on to a new person isn't guaranteed to put an end to these intrusive thoughts either.
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How people deal with retroactive jealousy
Meanwhile, in a subreddit aptly named Retroactive Jealousy, numerous Redditors have been detailing how it typically consumes a person and sharing how they keep themselves in check whenever they feel triggered. It's the proof you need to know that you're not alone in feeling this way—and that you can do something about it so it doesn't get in the way of your relationship.
"Your own past experiences and your partner's past played a role in the development of your [retroactive jealousy]," one user wrote. "When a question pops into your mind, and it causes anxiety, jealousy, or some other unwanted feeling, and you get the urge to seek an answer to that question, you don't have to answer it. If you keep answering every question your brain throws at you, you are telling your brain to keep worrying about that thing."
"Accept the fact that you can not get full clarity about your partner's past," he continued. "You can't think your way through this. Don't argue with the thoughts in your head. Don't try to prove them wrong. Don't try to rationalize things. Don't judge the thoughts. Let the thoughts come and go without assigning any meaning to them."
Another user replied: "Retroactive jealousy can cause you to think that you possibly missed out on something wonderful in [their] past and that someone else got [their] best. Well, if you dump [them] now, you will miss out on every good thing [they] might have to offer in the future. And if you love [your partner] and things are going well, keep doing the good stuff and drop the dead weight from the past."
"I’ve been focusing on not ruminating and pushing the thoughts away," added another user. "[But instead] I will focus on accepting [the fact that I have these thoughts.] I love the idea of trying to think about what I would be thinking about if I wasn't dwelling on my [partner's] past."
As cliché as it sounds, your partner can be of help, too. Couples dealing with retroactive jealousy might benefit from having an honest and mature conversation about the issue, rather than pushing it aside or pretending it doesn't exist. While they may not fully understand how it's affecting you, providing enough context can help them be more mindful of what to say or do when you're feeling triggered.
There's no shame in seeking professional guidance, either. A mental health professional can help you determine whether there are underlying conditions contributing to your retroactive jealousy—such as trauma, codependency, and separation anxiety. They can give you expert advice on how you can overcome feeling insecure about your partner's past.
Ultimately, this is something you don't have to face alone! While not all relationships survive the effects of retroactive jealousy, with proper communication, there's no reason you and your partner can't make it out of this together.