Men have many thoughts while going down on you. Bearded men have deeper, more complex thoughts. These are they:
1. “I wonder if it tickles?”
Are you moaning? Are you suppressing a giggle? Maybe it’s a little of both.
2. “Man, I should not have just eaten. She’s going to be really confused if she finds crumbs in her vagina afterward.”
First rule of bearded oral sex: Never seduce a man who has just finished a sandwich.
3. “There’s a hair in my mouth, and I have no idea who it belongs to.”
It could be ours or it could be yours. It’s tough to tell. Either way, now we are struggling to find a way to sexily fish it out, which is damn near impossible.
4. “Do I use soap or shampoo to wash my beard after this?”
To be fair, getting your scent in our beard can be pretty sexy, but if we’re going out after, we definitely need to freshen up a little first, and we are woefully underprepared, product-wise.
5. “I really hope I am not giving her rug burn on her inner thighs.”
Hopefully you are enjoying yourself too much to care, but there is the potential that all this gyrating is going to leave you chafed, and boy, howdy, we do not want to explain that to your parents when we all go to the beach tomorrow.
6. “I should probably shave.”
When half our moustache is up our nose, the other half is in our mouth, and it’s soaking up fluids like a Shamwow…it makes a man wonder if maybe we at least need a trim.
7. “I’m pretty sure the end of my beard is in her butt hole.”
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it is worth noting.
8. “My jaw is cramping up…I wonder if I can take a break and just rub her clitoris with my hair.”
You’ll likely catch on pretty quick, but it’s nice to know that our beard is helping us out a little and tag-teaming your orgasm with us.
9. “This feels like I just put way too much beard cream in.”
Our beard hair is slick and crunchy in some places and damp in others.
10. “She’s either going to really love or really hate kissing me right now.”
There are two kinds of people: those who don’t mind kissing after oral, and those who think its gross. A beard is just going to compound those feelings.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.