Having sex is great. Being in water—in a hot tub, pool, shower, lake, ocean, or even a bath tub—is great! Having sex in water is not great. Water sex has taken hold of our collective imagination by infiltrating movies and TV shows (not to mention porn) in scenes that taunt us with the promise of sexy spontaneity and simultaneous underwater orgasms that are never achievable IRL. We've been lied to for too long. This is the truth about water sex.
1. Chlorine hates your vagina.
Funny that no one who has hooked up in a hot tub or pool onscreen has ever woken up the next day irritated by anything more than not getting a goodnight text, because chlorine can make your vulva itch and mess with your vagina's pH levels, which in turn can lead to a bacterial or yeast infection. No. Thank. You.
2. Bath products also kind of hate your vagina.
Maybe you're less compelled by misplaced shower sex romanticism and you're more enticed by the multitasking power of a quickie while you get clean. Brilliant ... until soap makes its way into your vagina and you're left with a bacterial infection to go with that clean skin and post-sex glow.
3. The ocean swallows bathing suits.
You think you're so sneaky, don't you, out there with your boyfriend off the shore feet away from other people as you pretend you're just making out with your bodies really close when actually you're boning and oh wait, shit, your bikini bottoms are now halfway to the next continent and you somehow have to get back to your towel without getting arrested. Nice work.
4. Water literally makes you drier.
Perfect, you don't even have to grab the lube because you're in the shower and everything's already wet...except water is not the kind of wet you need and it's washing your natural lubrication down the drain along with your hopes of an orgasm. Ow.
5. Shower or tub sex is more "origami" than "sex."
Forget where you're going to put that dick. Where are you going to put all of your limbs?
6. Slip 'N' Slide is both your favorite childhood game and what happens in a shower or tub.
Say good-bye to your leverage, which is generally a good thing to have during sex, and say hello to the nice paramedics who want to know exactly how you ended up naked and bleeding on the bathroom floor. Shaggy got it right when he just started the action there to begin with.
7. The person you're having sex with can only hold their breath for so long.
Meaning that getting oral for any reasonable duration is out of the question. It's hard enough to get good oral on dry land.
8. Why hello, unidentified bacteria floating in this hot tub/lake/ocean, please do join this penis/these fingers/this tongue inside my vagina.
Bacteria that's harmless on your skin can cause infection in your vagina—what a lovely, warm environment for it to continue to spread!
9. Bye, condom, we barrier-ly knew ye.
Water = less natural lube = more friction = higher chance your condom will tear or slip off (or even rough up your vaginal walls). If you're in a hot tub, no matter what any Jersey Shore cast member would have you believe, hot water does not kill STIs. And then if you're in the ocean and the condom floats away, a dolphin could swallow it and I know you don't want to do that to a dolphin. Or get chlamydia, either one, TBH.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.