Really, what he’s thinking the entire time is, “Don’t think about the baby” and “Now I’m thinking about the baby and I’m losing my erection.” It’s infinitely cyclical, similar to the water cycle. Except this is much weirder (although arguably just as natural). It’s nothing to do with you. He thinks you’re beautiful pregnant and you’re very attractive. He’s just having a hard time adjusting to the whole baby-inside-you thing.
1. “OK, what positions are on the table this week?”
Throughout the nine plus months you’re growing a baby, the rules are constantly changing. Your cravings, your symptoms… everything is different week-to-week and sex is no different. Even your sex drive can fluctuate. And depending on how sore you feel or how big your belly has gotten, it means some sex positions are off the table. Which means sex gets way less cavalier and spontaneous. Pillows get used a lot more often. It’s probably best to just go over which positions are alright in advance.
2. “Are we sure this won’t somehow scar the baby?”
No one remembers being in the womb, and yet there’s this wildly unfounded fear that all the jostling and moaning and thrusting is going to somehow leave a lasting impression on your kid and they’ll grow up to be a pyromaniac or deviant.
3. “ALRIGHT I SWEAR I TOUCHED IT WITH MY DICK!”
There’s no way this actually happened (the baby is wayyyy up there) but that won’t stop guys from thinking that maybe, just maybe, they’ve somehow breached the placenta with their erection.
4. “I have to be crushing our child right now. There’s no way it could really be this protected.”
Seriously, if the amniotic fluid offers enough protection to keep an out-of-shape adult man from crushing a baby, scientists should be researching it more. We should be making trains and airplanes out of this shit so people can survive otherwise fatal crashes. Start tweeting at Elon Musk or something.
5. “I thought about the baby.”
The whole idea of having sex with the baby present can weird a guy out. But then, he gets horny and his horniness overrides the weirdness, which makes it easy to push to the back of his mind.
6. “I thought about the baby again.”
Really, what this comes down to is a race. A race in which he needs to orgasm before he thinks about the baby again.
7. “OK, I’m going to try really hard to just focus on my wife’s tits.”
It’s important to clear your mind and meditate. In situations like this, boobs can be hypnotic and soothing.
8. “They look great.”
Seriously, they look great. It’s like your boobs took steroids.
9. “THE BABY KICKED ME.”
No matter how hard he tries to keep his mind off of things, he’s going to feel that baby in there. And even though the baby probably has no clue what’s going on and just happened to kick, it’s going to feel personal. It’s as if the child is saying, “I know what you’re doing and it’s fucked up.” Nothing ruins sex like a judgmental fetus.
10. “Let’s try this again tomorrow.”
Eventually, you’re both going to get so wound up that you’ll orgasm in 30 seconds, which is just enough time to not think about the idea that your future kid is wedged between both your gyrating bellies.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.