1. Your first time might not turn out to be meaningful after all.
Sure, you might lose your V-card to your first boyfriend whom you love very much and believe you’ll be with forever and ever, but 10 years later, you’ll be with someone else you love much more, while your ex-boyfriend is married, with kids, and with a spare tire for a stomach. And your first time probably won’t make it to your list of top five bangs of all time because you’re still a noob at this whole sexing thing. Which brings us to the next item on the list…
2. You probably won’t come the first time you do it. Or the next five times.
And that’s okay. You’re still finding out which body part goes where, or what happens when you do this to that. We promise, once you’re confident enough in your abilities and have already figured out what moves and positions bring you to the brink, sex will get better. WAY BETTER.
3. Don’t expect a Hollywood sex scene. It’s going to be messy, clumsy, and there will be awkward noises.
There won’t be a makeup artist or a cinematographer in the room with you to make sure your face is sultry-pretty and only your best angles are on show. Your bellies will slap against each other, or your vag will let out a mortifying fart sound that you will later discover is called a “vart,” or more charmingly, a “queef.” When you switch positions, you could quite possibly elbow your partner’s head or knee him in the balls. If you go into sex knowing that those flawlessly choreographed film sex scenes haven’t been completely honest with us, you’ll be fine.
4. Romance will be the last thing on your mind during sex.
You might decide to have sex to feel even more loved-up with your bae, and that’s all well and good. But once you’re deep in the deed, don’t be surprised if you start banging mindlessly away like a pair of animals in a wildlife documentary. Sex does that to people.
5. Don’t be afraid to speak up about what you like in bed.
Since you’re not yet confident in your sexual prowess, you might let him keep on with some pointless thrusting even though you’re about to fall asleep at the boredom of it all. The sooner you learn to speak up about what brings you pleasure, the closer you’ll be to getting your first O.
6. An orgasm is a rare, beautiful thing. Once it’s in your crosshairs, don’t ever let it go.
The O is a nebulous pleasure that creeps up on you when all conditions are favorable—you’re in a prime mood for sexing, or you and your partner are grinding perfectly in sync. However, it can just as easily slither away when the slightest distraction butts in—you hear the creaking of the bed, or remember the work you left at the office. So when you feel it coming, pounce on it and DO. NOT. STOP.
7. Sex doesn’t have to be a marathon session for it to be good.
Don’t pressure yourself into making sex last an hour when all you want to do is roll over and recover from the exertion. Studies have shown the median length of intercourse to be around five to eight minutes, so give yourself a break. Plus, some of the best sex moments you’ll ever experience will be over in a minute because you and your guy will be so hot for each other, you just gotta have it RIGHT NOW.
8. You can say “no” any time.
Just because he’s already got his hands up your shirt doesn’t mean you have to go through with it if you’re gut’s telling you to stop. Same goes for sex acts you’re not comfortable with, or when sex is starting to hurt your lady parts. Sex is about two people’s pleasure—if he’s the only one getting off, who’s the loser here?
9. Blowjobs are a gift you give, not an act you’re required to do.
By all means, go down on him if you want to pleasure him, but don’t let a pushy partner pressure you into doing it just because he thinks it’s de rigueur in the sack. And if he expects you to give him head yet he never returns the favor, dump him.
10. Always use reliable protection—no matter what he says.
Whether it’s the pill or the condom or, like, abstinence, if you don’t want to get knocked up or contract STIs, make sure to use protection. If you let him have his way by letting him “pull out” at the last minute (newsflash: not reliable) or let him come inside you because you were on your period and he convinced you that it was safe (newsflash: also not reliable), get ready for some maddening paranoia to haunt you for days.
11. Sober sex trumps drunk sex.
We get how some people end up losing their virginity in a drunken fumble—the liquid courage helps them get from point A to point B. But guess what: Inebriated sex ain’t all that. It’s better to give up your V-card without the haze of alcohol clouding your judgment, messing with your coordination, and leaving you only partially aware of the delicious details the next day. (That way, you can also be 100% sure you’ve got protection covered, because remember the film Knocked Up? Scary.)
12. You’re not a slut if, after your first time, you now want sex all the freakin’ time.
If you saw fireworks your first time, of course you’ll want more sex to replicate the sensations. Doesn’t make you a dirty whore; it just means you’ve seen a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view. Also, that you are a woman whose biology dictates that you do—we all are.
13. Sadly, sex won’t save a relationship that’s headed for the dump.
The sex may turn out to be so good, you forget your relationship issues for as long as it takes to get to that O. But once it’s over, your issues will still be there, just waiting for you to catch your breath.
14. Always pee after sex.
Trust us. You’ll be saving yourself a lifetime of urinary tract infections if you do.