Hi, my name's Taylor, and I have a fetish for white-haired monsters that have wicked, magical powers. Well, actually, I take that back. I don't get turned on by all deranged scary mutants... just the ones that look exactly like Henry Cavill in The Witcher.
The Witcher is a new Netflix series that follows Henry's character, Geralt of Rivia, as he meets a sorceress, a princess, and lots and lots of scary-looking creatures throughout his journey to find "his destiny."
Mind you, I'm not one of those girls who is super into fantasy things. The farthest my interest has gone is watching Twilight, and no, I didn't watch Game Of Thrones. So when I sat down over winter break to watch The Witcher with my dad and older sister, I wasn't expecting to be so…uh, in love, with Henry's jawline (among other things).
The more and more we watched, the more I noticed the heat between my legs brewing (sorry, Dad!). I also couldn't understand why everyone seemed to think the white-haired Witcher was so evil in the show? Like, if he's "so bad," I, for one, do not want to be right. (What can I say? I've always had a thing for damaged bad boys.)
Now that I've finished the series, I find it only fitting to reflect on what I just watched by running down all the times Henry made me feel some type of way—even if he wasn't doing anything inadvertently sexy. Behold, the seven moments that literally no one else would find attractive besides me and my weird self.
(Oh, and no detailed spoilers in here, so if you haven't seen the show, totally okay to continue to read... )
1. His first words of the entire season.
About two minutes into the first episode, Henry (who I'll now be referring to as Geralt moving forward) says: "Today isn't your day, is it?" to a smol doe who was attacked by a weird swamp monster. Then, he proceeds to eat said doe…So, like I said, not sexy at all.
BUT! His! Voice! It's the first time we hear it, and it sets the precedent for the rest of the series. I was all like, "Oh, woah, okay, we have a super sexy, low, deep, rumbly, voice setting the tone for this season, let's fucking goooo." And if you're super into voices like me, let me recommend listening to these episodes through your headphones...in bed...alone...
2. Every time he grunts.
Okay, so I'm one of those people who loves to watch movies with subtitles (sue me), but it was especially erotic because not only could I hear Geralt grunt in his baritone pitch, I could also see on the screen that he said: "Hmm." It was super hot in a way that I'm not really sure why...
FWIW, he does this, like, a million times in each episode when he's either A) thinking, B) about to beat the shit out of somebody, or C) unhappy with a response. I can't explain it, you really just have to watch it to know.
3. His face post-fight scenes.
He's greasy, has blood all over his face, and has hair strands all up in his eyes, but for some inexplicable reason, he always looks deliciously tasty. To the average person, he looks like actual shit, but, to me, he's shit that's hot…? I don't know, maybe I'm just really into dudes who fight, which sounds like something I should take up with my therapist.
4. When he says "fuck" right before he realizes he has to beat some village people's asses because they're taunting him.
Something about the accent and the harsh cuss word coming out of his mouth makes me want him to say it more, and more, and more… preferably in the sheets with me (but I'll take it in Season Two, too). It's like: "No, he's good, he doesn't want to fight you. You're egging him on!" with a mix of "Yeah, he can't wait to kick your ass." (Which he does…every time). Love it.
5. The fact that he's low-key a horse girl.
Look, we all know horse girls. Memes of their scrunchies and French-braided hair blew up into an Internet sensation. But honestly, "horse girl" takes on a whole new meaning when you see Geralt (with his half up, half down hair-do) tending to his bb. I mean, there are multiple times when Geralt is seen just chillin' and talking to his horse, which is A-Okay with me, honey. It just means he's ~sensitive~, right?
6. When he drinks that weird potion thing (that I still don't understand) and it makes his eyes turn black.
I don't know what a demon looks like, but if I had to guess, I'd think it resembles his face after he takes a sip from that jar in his pocket. Totally unclear what that jar is, what it does (besides make him look scary AF), and why it's needed, but there's something super-hot about his demonic side that screams, "I'm going to do dirty things to you in bed." (Y'know, like lady in the street, but freak in the sheets).
Anyway, most people would find this face scary and repulsive, but I find it a bit endearing. I'm all about seeing all sides of my partner, and he lets this one SHOW, y'all.
7. His ability to feel compassion, despite not being able to feel anything at all?
Apparently, witchers can't feel emotions the way humans do (they talk about this often throughout the season). But without revealing too much, he seems to have a soft spot for children, cursed creatures, and other monsters, too. This might be the only point you agree with me on, but any time Geralt saves a child or defends, say, a dragon, my heart (and vagina) does a little pitter-patter.
So, if I haven't sold you on watching the season just for the reasons above, know that it has a seriously good plotline too. And coming from someone who wasn't exactly psyched about starting a show like this, I can't wait for more fantastical "hmms" and "fucks" in Season Two. Swoon!
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.