You and your guy are getting it on, and well, bam! He peaked and lost control. He's embarrassed and upset while you're left horny and bitin. Is it his fault or yours? Stop the finger-pointing and hear this: He may have a condition that affects one out of every three Asian men. It's premature ejaculation.
Premature ejaculation is defined as climaxing less than two minutes during intercourse, oral sex, or manual stimulation. It feels like sneezing. The guy knows it's about to happen, but can't do anything to stop it.
It can be caused by physical or psychological factors. He might be feeling a more intense below-the-belt sensation than other men do, or he's stressed or anxious. "Stress causes adrenaline and dopamine levels to rise," explains Ian Kerner, PhD, sex therapist and author of She Comes First. This makes "the guy more aroused and less in control of his orgasm."
Too frequent solo sessions have a hand in it too, because that makes him used to focusing on finishing quickly. "Men become conditioned to rapid ejaculation," says Dr. James Barada, MD, director of the Albany Center for Sexual Health.
The 2013 Sexual Satisfaction Survey conducted in the Asia Pacific region reveals that 53 percent of men believe premature ejaculation creates a rift between couples. "[It] can rob the guy of his masculinity," says urologist Dr. Jose Vicente Prodigalidad, MD. "The woman might feel rejected and frustrated, but she shouldn't," he adds.
What's the modus operandi for P.E.?
If your guy has premature ejaculation but doesn't seem to want—or know how—to deal with it, talk to him. But tread lightly. While it affects you, this is obviously a sensitive matter to him. Show your support and let him know you'll both get through it.
"Try some techniques for a more satisfying experience," suggests Prodigalidad. "Eventually, he will learn more restraint," adds Kerner. Otherwise, visit a doctor, who might prescribe Priligy, a prescription drug taken when you're about to have sex. It lowers his serotonin level (a high one accelerates ejaculation), so he can better control it. Dr. Barada says 85 percent of P.E. patients improve after three months of counseling and practicing some techniques.
Climax-delaying techniques to try together:
1. Squeeze. When he feels like he's about to release, squeeze his penis for three to five seconds so the sensation goes away. Then, go at it again.
2. Pause. Similar to the squeeze technique, just as your guy is about to climax, stop doing everything altogether. Then, start doing it again when he's calmed down. (You shouldn't wait very long, like two minutes long.)
3. Go on top of him. Stick to this position. It involves less genital friction and rapid thrusting. Since you're in control, you can pause for a few seconds if he's getting too excited too quickly.
This story originally appeared in Cosmopolitan magazine, September 2014.
* Minor edits have been made by Cosmo.ph editors